Strong Subjects, Robust Verbs

Here is an opening paragraph that displays some common early draft traits that a good revision will eliminate. Too many sentences begin with, or contain “There is” or “there are” or “it is” components. Those phrases almost always result in weak subject choices and weaker verbs (is being the weakest verb.)

People are welcome to walk into the hospital when in need of care; however, not all will be treated equally because of the individual’s disadvantages or advantages. It’s not that doctors are biased towards the patients. It is very seldom that the first priority of the doctors is not the wellbeing of patients, yet why is there an unequal amount of treatment amongst people of different groups such as race, income, and social class? Through analyzing surveys taken by patients, there is no doubt health disparities are apparent in hospitals and the problem of that roots back to the patient’s privilege. One of the privileges of people with wealth is the ability to communicate more effectively; though communication between doctors and patients is often overlooked by people, it makes a huge influence on the doctor’s decisions and performance. Therefore, people with strong communication skills are usually able to get the most out of the doctor’s abilities.

1) People are welcomed to walk into the hospital when in need of care; however, not all will be treated equally because of the individual’s disadvantages or advantages.
—(Revised to place the emphasis on the disadvantage of having disadvantages. Makes “poor treatment” the subject of your sentence.)

If hospitals had entrances marked “Rich Patients” and “Poor Patients,” we would all object. But the truth is, once inside the hospital, poor patients receive less care, and suffer worse outcomes, than rich patients.

2) It’s not that doctors are bias towards the patients.
—(Revised to eliminate the weak “It is not” opening.” Identifies the particular patient group. Uses the powerful verb “discriminate.” Indicates that the discrimination is not deliberate.)

Doctors don’t knowingly discriminate against their poor patients.

3) It is very seldom that the first priority of the doctor’s is not the wellbeing of patients, yet why is there an unequal amount of treatment amongst people of different groups such as race, income, and social class?
—(Revised to eliminate several weak “It is ” phrases. Eliminates the weak rhetorical question. Replaces the neutral “unequal amount” with a clear distinction: some are shortchanged. )

But the best-intentioned doctors nevertheless shortchange some of their patients on the basis of race, income, and social class.

4) Through analyzing surveys taken by patients there is no doubt health disparities is apparent in hospitals and the problem of that roots back to the patient’s privileges.
—(Revised to eliminate the weak “there is” clause.” Makes a straightforward comparison claim to replace the neutral “disparities” root back to privilege.)

Patient surveys prove that hospitals lavish care on privileged patients that underprivileged patients do not enjoy.

5) One of the privileges of people with wealth is the ability to communicate more effectively; though communication between doctors and patients is often overlooked by people, it makes a huge influence on the doctor’s decisions and performance.
—(Revised to eliminate the weak “is” verbs and the weak “it” clause. Makes a straightforward claim with a robust verb.)

They do so, according to Massachusetts General, because well-to-do patients communicate better on average with their doctors.

6) Therefore, people with strong communication skills are usually able to get the most out of the doctor’s abilities.
—(Revised to improve the verb.)

And that enhanced ability to influence their own care drives better physician performance.

Revised Paragraph:

If hospitals had entrances marked “Rich Patients” and “Poor Patients,” we would all object. But the truth is, once inside the hospital, poor patients receive less care, and suffer worse outcomes, than rich patients. Doctors don’t knowingly discriminate against their poor patients. But the best-intentioned doctors nevertheless shortchange some of their patients on the basis of race, income, and social class. Patient surveys prove that hospitals lavish care on privileged patients that underprivileged patients do not enjoy. They do so, according to Massachusetts General, because well-to-do patients communicate better on average with their doctors. And that enhanced ability to influence their own care drives better physician performance.

About davidbdale

Inventor of and sole practitioner of 299-word Very Short Novels. www.davidbdale.wordpress.com
This entry was posted in davidbdale, Professor Post, Writing Help. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s