Visual Rewrite-Belldere

Texting and Driving Prevention

0:01 We see a black small car driving through what might seem to be a development. They are driving towards the camera. We see some trees and a mailbox which indicates that maybe this is a development. We can’t quiet make out the brand of the car nor can we see the license plate or where the person who is driving is from. The car doesn’t seem to be new but it also doesn’t look beat up or destroyed. It is daytime and looks to be sunny.

00:2 The camera zooms in as the car continues to drive closer to the camera. Now we can kind of make out the license plate number. We can make out a pink house in the background so it is now confirmed that this is indeed a neighborhood or development. The window is rolled down on the driver’s side so that also confirms it is a nice day or nice enough to have the windows down. We cannot see the driver of the vehicle yet.

00:03 Now we see inside the car and we see a female. Blonde curly hair. Wearing a pink shirt and a necklace. Seems to be old enough to drive but still a teen. Maybe 19 or 18. She is also wearing her seatbelt. She has both hands on the wheel. Again in the background we see another pink house and a car with no one in it. Most likely a parked car outside of the house. Her eyes are on the road which is another good sign. So far nothing looks out of place in this scene. Judging by the length of the video, it seems to be a commercial of some sort.

00:04 We can see she is still driving because the outside of the car is moving. We start to notice her eyes glancing down as if something maybe caught her attention. She is then no longer paying attention to the road. She is still buckled with both hands on the wheel.

00:05 Now the scene shows a picture of a phone. It says “New Text Message” with a blue background and a picture of a letter on the phone. Perhaps this is what she was looking down at?

00:06 Still shows the picture of the phone. Not much different from 00:05

00:07 It then zooms back in on the girl. Except this angle is different, it’s the camera facing up at her as if the camera was her phone and the girl was looking at her phone. She is clearly not paying attention to the road. We can only see her arm on the wheel and her face in this scene.

00:08 In this scene we see her look up at the road and then quickly look back down at the phone. Her arm has also moved. We can’t see where she moved it in this scene we just see it moved.

00:09 The angle has changed and now we see the full back of the phone. The phone is pink. There seems to be a lot of pink going on in this commercial. Though the camera is now focused on the phone and the girl is blurry in the background, we can see the girl is still looking at the phone. The phone seems to be a smart phone. It is not a flip phone.

00:10 The camera is still focused on the phone but we can now see that the girl is reaching for the phone. She grabs the phone assuming to pick it up and read the text message.

00:11 The Camera goes back up to the girls face. We see that she is still looking down slightly towards the area in which the phone was sitting and still no longer paying attention to the road.

00:12 This scene is similar to the last scene except this time we can see that the girl is starting to smile.

00:13 We see she is laughing a little more. The girl might be reading something funny or perhaps looking at a funny picture that someone sent her.

00:14 The screen goes black

00:15 The screen come back to the girl texting on her phone. We see the message screen and the keyboard. She is clicking a button at the bottom left. Doesn’t look like she is typing but perhaps forwarding a message or picture or possibly posting it to social media? By now I can state that it looks like a commercial for texting and driving.

00:16 The screen went black but then quickly goes to a view of the road. By the screen flashing back and forth between black and picture, I assume something bad is going to happen. We see a house on the left. She looks to be approaching a 4 way stop. We can faintly see a stop sign. It looks as though it got darker out. Perhaps from the trees, the car is in the shade?

00:17 This part is blurry we see the camera go black then come back to inside the car. We see pink so it might be her phone again. We also see a leg and the steering wheel.

00:18 The camera keeps going black and then coming back. This time the phone was brought up higher towards the steering wheel and she is still texting.

00:19 The camera goes back to the road in front of her. We see the 4 way stop now that she has approached it. Doesn’t look like there are any cars. We just see more trees and houses in front of us.

00:20 The camera zooms out and we see a side view of 2 cars. We see the girls dark colored car and someone else’s tan colored car. They are going different directions and look as if they are going to hit each other. We see the stop sign very vividly. If we go a little further in to the 20 second mark, we see the camera go back on her face and it looks as though she is screaming.

00:21 A black screen. Must mean something bad as happened if she was screaming and the cars looked like they were going to hit each other then it went black. Perhaps they did?

00:22 A message pops up and says, “Stop The Texts” The word “stop” is yellow and the rest is white. We also see a doted line underneath the words.

00:23 Underneath the word “Stop The Texts” another message pops up and says “Stop The Wrecks” Also with the word “stop” in yellow. By this saying I can confirm it was a texting and driving commercial.

00:24 Same view as 00:23 just moving closer to the camera.

00:25 The doted line stays but the words disappear.

00:26 Message pops up “How will you stop texting and driving?” “Tell us at stoptextsstopwrecks.org”

00:27- 00:30 Same message just clearer to read.

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8 Responses to Visual Rewrite-Belldere

  1. davidbdale says:

    Belldere, I don’t know how I have failed to get this message to you: we don’t use 2nd person in this course. That means no “you,” no “your,” and no “yours.” If you’ll remove them, and replace those you can’t replace with “we,” “our,” and “ours,” I’ll share some more meaningful feedback with you. You’ve clearly done good work on your own since your first draft. For feedback, when you’re ready, drop a Reply on this post with our standard two-word request.

    0:01 WE (always first person, not second) see a black small car driving through what seems to be a development. IT IS (the car is singular; we don’t know how many occupants there might be) driving towards the camera. WE see trees and a mailbox, which indicates that maybe this is a development. The make of the car is not discernible, nor the license plate, nor the driver. The car is not new, but it also isn’t beat up. The day is sunny. The overall impression is positive, optimistic, a peaceful world in which things are good.

    Do you find these changes instructive? Helpful? Overbearing? Reply, please.

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  2. belldere says:

    I find these changes more descriptive than before and maybe helpful if you don’t watch the commercial. Are you stating for the whole commercial or just for what I did which was the first 10 seconds?

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    • davidbdale says:

      As a rule, pretend you’re talking to a reader who isn’t watching the video and has to understand the video from your description alone.

      How did you decide to analyze only ten seconds of a 30-second spot? Is it because I modeled 10 seconds of a 2-and-a-half-minute video? The assignment is to analyze the overall effectiveness of the visual portion of these 30-second messages. If you like, I can direct you to several versions of this assignment already completed by your classmates. You’re permitted to review what they’ve done as long as you can manage not to plagiarize them.

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  3. belldere says:

    I apologize I thought I remember you saying to not use “I” in this exercise. And I thought I remember you said to use “you” instead. Do you want me to change everything again and resubmit it?

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    • davidbdale says:

      There’s no need to “resubmit” anything. You can continue to refine this Rewrite post all the way to the portfolio by making edits and hitting Update. Whenever you’ve made substantial improvements and want additional feedback, drop another feedback request Reply.

      The rules are the same for all essays in this course: No 2nd Person. I didn’t mean to confuse you.

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      • belldere says:

        I chose just the first 10 seconds because in the original assignment, you stated, “…produce your own visual analysis: a non-formal piece of rhetorical writing you can format any way you wish.” With that being said I figured I could chose to do the first 10 seconds or in groups as long as I did the assignment. When you explained it in class I understood it as only having 10 different parts that I was writing about. Maybe I misheard you? Apparently I have a tendancy to do that.

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        • davidbdale says:

          I won’t deny you the right to analyze whatever part of the video you see fit, belldere. You may find that the 10 seconds you’ve selected aren’t rich enough to support a major Portfolio assignment. It might be worth your while to eavesdrop on the feedback cycle I’ve been engaging in with fromcasablanca. We’re several drafts deep now and still finding lots of angles to explore.

          https://counterintuitivefa15.com/2015/10/05/1185/comment-page-1/#comment-727

          (I have a tendency to mishear myself too, though I do my best to be clear. 🙂 )

          I hope you won’t lose your patience with all these requirements I seem to be springing on you. One thing I certainly promised you: The work of the course is rewriting, which is never done.

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  4. davidbdale says:

    00:03. Three seconds into the spot you haven’t said what you think you’re watching, or what you think you’re not watching. Within 3 seconds, we usually make some sort of judgment. Is it a TV show? A movie? Is it a commercial? If so, is it a car commercial? The creative team behind this spot have spent massive effort to convey a particular feeling or certain information. What are you concluding at this point?

    00:07. You’ve said at least twice NOT ONLY that the girl is looking down at something that turns out to be her phone, BUT ALSO that she is not looking at the road. Are you drawing any conclusion from that, or did you just say so for no reason? You might also have said she’s not looking behind her, or out the open window, or driving with her eyes closed.

    00:14. Why did the screen go black? Surely that’s not an accident. What purpose do the filmmakers serve by inserting a dark screen?

    00:18. The screen keeps going black and for many seconds you haven’t indicated what the girl is looking at, except to say that she seems engaged with her phone.

    00:20. You say what we’re seeing, but you don’t say what you’re thinking while you’re watching. What effect do these images have? What are the filmmakers accomplishing? Stringing random images together? Telling the story of a girl who drives through a neighborhood and uses her phone? Anything?

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