Visual Rewrite—ifurreadingthisits2l8

0:01 The ad starts with a dark, empty classroom. On the one wall you can see some sunlight from the windows streaming in. In the room older-looking, wooden desks and a chalk board. Indicating that the classroom might be older, or in an older school. Carved into the back of one of the desks are the words “we’ve been labeled”.

0:03 The ad continues with the camera facing a desk in a dark room. The floor and the desk still wooden and older looking. There’s also a wooden pencil placed in the crease on the top of the desk. The words “we’ve been angry” are carved onto the top left side of the desk.

0:05 The ad changes to a different scene of a brick wall with a lot of windows. The windows look older, and the bricks have changed colors and are clearly not new. There’s a sign with black lettering that says, “no roller skating skateboarding or bicycle riding”.

0:06 The scene changes again to a fence with a white sign on it. In black letters it says “NO ROLLER SKATING SKATEBOARDING” and in small red letters in between it says we’ve been controlled. It looks like a zoomed in picture of the previous frame.

0:10 Is a blurred out background of a school hallway. On the way below the blurry window panes it say’s “we’ve been hopeless”.

0:13 Now the scene changes from a school to a bedroom. On the wall of random magazine cutouts and pictures is a torn piece of notebook with the words “we’ve been miserable” written on them.

0:15 A foggy car windshield appears and the view is from the inside of the car. On the foggy night windshield, with headlights in the window, the words “we’ve been hurt” are written by a finger. The video has these quotes with “we’ve been ___” because they’re trying to express what’s led them to make them feel this way and the emotions they’ve experienced.

0:19 It’s a dark lonely gymnasium in a school. Theres three door panels where light is shining in. On the doors the words “we’ve been lonely” are written. There’s a single chair in the corner of the room as a symbol of the loneliness they’re experiencing.

0:20 The scene changes to a light bathroom with lots of light. On the mirror is the reflection of the sinks, and in red lipstick the words “we’ve been invisible” are written. I think the words are purposely written on the mirror to symbolize the fact that they can see themselves but feel invisible to everyone else.

0:24 It’s a classroom with desks again but the room is brighter. On a bright orange poster board in the back it says “we’ve been judged” in green letters. The scenes are starting to change from dark, sad locations to brighter, happier rooms indicating a happier time and hopefulness.

0:26 A black converse lays on the carpeted brown floor with it’s shoelaces untied. On the white bottom part, “we’ve been abandoned” is written in blue sharpie.

0:27 It’s a dark window pain, with an orange glow. The word’s “we’ve been lost” are written on the outside of the window in black.

0:36 A sidewalk in the sunshine appears and the words “we’ve been happy” are written in bright yellow chalk.

0:38 A black chalkboard reappears in a brighter classroom and the words “we’ve been inspired” are written in white chalk. The quotes are going back and forth in emotion meaning they don’t always feel sad, but happy at times too.

0:45 An old brick wall has been written on in blue chalk. The words “we’ve been supported” are written.

0:46 A bright grey locker appears, in a brightened hallway. The word’s “we’ve been there” are written on the bottom of the locker.

0:48 Then more bus seats appear and multiple bus seats have the words “we’ve been there” written on them.

0:49 More wooden bleacher benches appear with the words “we’ve been there”.

0:50 Every step in the stairwell has the words “we’ve been there” written on them. “We’ve been there” repeated over and over indicates that they are not alone in life, and there are others going through the same thing. They have people who can support them.

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6 Responses to Visual Rewrite—ifurreadingthisits2l8

  1. feedback was requested.

    Feedback provided.
    —DSH

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  2. davidbdale says:

    ifurreadingthis, the blog can be confusing at first, but by now, if you’re having trouble with the mechanics, please initiate the contact with me so we can address your challenges before they become crucial. Most of what you’ve posted isn’t categorized at all, so it’s very hard to find.

    This one, for example, is not categorized in your username.

    You’ll find several of your own posts if you click on the “I Forgot To Categorize” category in the sidebar. Please open all of them in Edit and categorize them correctly, including the assignment name AND your own username.

    You did ask me for feedback on this post, which you did not do on the original Visual assignment. That’s a good move. The changes you made on your own to produce this rewrite are not doubt improvements, but everyone can benefit from early comments before a deadline. Give me more of a window next time, please. You asked for feedback on Monday night for a Tuesday noon deadline. I presume you didn’t expect to have it back in time to improve your first draft, but you can continue to make revisions until the post is graded, which certainly won’t be before the coming weekend.

    Now, let’s begin the feedback cycle.

    01. You didn’t provide me with a link to your video, as I asked you to, so I can’t watch to help you out with observations I might make about the visuals in your source material. The best I can do is try to visualize what you describe and hold you to a high standard of good communication. Let’s see how that goes. Maybe on the next round, you’ll share a link with me.

    [We have banned the second person in this class, as you know. That means you will not be writing YOU or YOUR or YOURS. and THAT means that instead of “On the one wall you can see some sunlight,” you’ll be writing, “On the one wall WE can see some sunlight.”]

    Your first two sentences are legal. “Sentences” three and four are not sentences but fragments, grounds for grammar failure. The last sentence is very nice.

    [As you know from our in-class grammar and punctuation exercise, periods and commas ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS go inside the quotation marks.]

    It’s early, of course, one second in, to draw conclusions from what you’re watching, but the assignment is to do exactly that. What do you think might be the reason for the filmmaker to choose an older classroom with old furniture and chalkboards? Without doubt, newer classrooms could have been chosen, but they weren’t. So, why? Speculate.

    03. Implications? Who did the carving? Is it meant to be real carving or a metaphorical expression of how some students might be feeling? Speculate. The director is making claims, trying to persuade you of something. You are being manipulated. What are you being told to believe? Speculate.

    05. That’s a very different message than the first two, which might have been carved by students to express their feelings. Certainly this new language is generated by an authority and directed AT students. Don’t just say what you’re seeing. Analyze the impact of the visuals.

    06. Interesting. A combination of two messages. What’s going on here, ifur? As a viewer 6 seconds in, what conclusions have you drawn about the sort of message being delivered? Are you buying in? Resisting? Waiting passively to see what happens next?

    10. Repeat.

    13. What is the rationale for the change of scene? Is the director following kids around to see how they express themselves in different phases of their lives? Or is there a specific parallel being drawn between school and home? React.

    15. I sense you’re trying to work something out here, ifur, but in this segment you’re sabotaged by your vague pronouns.

    The video has these quotes with “we’ve been ___” because they’re trying to express what’s led them to make them feel this way and the emotions they’ve experienced.

    We have no idea who “they” are, or what emotions they’ve experienced.

    Is the repetition of “we’ve been” sentences effective here? Annoying? Seemingly random? Mysterious? Do you not care? Or do you want to care but you can’t? Or are they making you care? Or are they failing to make you care?

    19. That’s a lovely evocation of the melancholy of loneliness. But by now, are you wondering, “what’s thepoint?”

    20. You’re warming up here, ifur. I like this observation very much.

    24. And yet, the message is no sunnier, is it? We’ve been judged is every bit as negative as the “we’ve been labeled” from the very first seconds of the ad. What’s your take on that?

    26. Is this the cry of an entire generation of youth? Or a particular segment? Any ideas?

    27. So that you can read them? Or backwards?

    36. Huh.

    38. Nutty. I disagree that they’re “going back and forth.” They’ve changed once from negative to positive, but they haven’t returned to negative yet. Two positives in a row after a series of negatives.

    45. This is a very long spot. Are you sure it’s by the Ad Council? They usually limit themselves to 30 seconds.

    I’m very curious about the two scenes at 13 and 15 that didn’t occur at school. Since everything else is school-related, what’s the purpose of throwing in these outliers? Any thoughts?

    46-50. Buses, lockers, bleachers, we’re definitely back in school where we began.

    Your conclusion is that the message is for everyone? youth? students? You don’t say. Everyone who is going through “the same thing,” whatever that is? I doubt it.

    That Thai Life Insurance ad looked like a feel-good message to the whole world that everyone could feel better by doing small favors for everyone else, but it turned out to be a commercial in search of life insurance customers.

    Who’s the customer here, ifur? What’s the product? What’s it going to cost the customer?

    I hope you found these comments helpful. I am happy to provide them, but on the condition that you follow them up with significant changes to your work. If I’m working harder than you, I will stop. OK? Reply, please.

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    • I didn’t ask for feedback for the rewrite due the next day. I asked so that I would know for the future and improve my writing. I was not expecting you to give me feedback for this draft to be turned in the next day. Also, I try to categorize and got another classmate to show me how to do it when I realized it wasn’t posting in a category and for some reason it will not show up in the categories. I just realized this the other day, or else I would’ve asked sooner! You’re comments were very helpful, thank you for the feedback!

      Like

      • davidbdale says:

        That’s all good except for the worrying fact that you can’t post to categories. It also appears your username doesn’t show up in the sidebar under Author, so we still have a problem with your account. Let’s solve it tomorrow in the lab, ifurreadingthis. Thank you for the link to the video. That will be helpful.

        Why don’t you do some revisions based on my first round of feedback and then ask for more when you’re finished. I’ll be happy to do another round with the benefit of the video to compare to your commentary.

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    • Sorry for not originally posting the link! I thought I had pasted it in there, I did not realize it didn’t paste.

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      • davidbdale says:

        Good to have it now. I successfully published this post to the ifurreadingthisits2l8 category. You shouldn’t have any trouble categorizing your other posts to the same category. Just start typing it in the Category box and the full name will appear for you to select. You’ll also show up as an Author below the Author menu in the sidebar, followed by the number of posts you’ve published.

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